Saturday, January 9, 2010

This is me, Part I

I decided, after much thought, that I will detour a bit from my usual style of blog posts and tell you a little about myself.  Although you've heard about my life in small bits, you don't really know who I am or what makes me the person I am today.  If you're not interested, you don't have to read on, but personally I love reading about fellow bloggers, I find people in general, extremely interesting. One of my favorite places are airports.  I love to people watch.

What got me started on all this?  Well, I've been thinking for a week or two now about posting my New Year's Resolutions.  I've been reading some of my favorite blogs, and many of these inspiring ladies have posted publicy what they intend to change about themselves or their habits for the new year.  I think this is such a brave thing to do.  Really, it takes a lot of courage to publicy divulge areas in our life that need changing and what needs to be done about it. 
We might be judged. 
We might fail, and in front of a lot of people. 
This is scary to me.
What I realized is, what really matters is that I am accountable only to me.  I am not perfect, I make mistakes.  Other people even know this.  Can you see where I'm coming from here?  This is something I'm really working on.  So, in the next couple of blog posts, I hope to confess what I want for and from myself in the future, and what I might do to attain it.

As I'm getting older, I realize if I keep putting off what I really want out of my life, it might be too late.  Now is the time.  No more procrastination.

To have a better idea of what makes me, well, me, you have to know a little of my background.  I'll start with my marital status.  I'm a single mom, I've been seperated and now divorced for almost 7 years.  Hard to believe really, a lot  has happened, and it's kind of flown by.  I married my ex when I was just 3 weeks shy of my 20th birthday.  Too young, looking back now, but regardless, I was in LOVE.  One thing I can still say to this day is that I did truly love this man.  It was that crazy kind of young, passionate love, that blocks out all common sense.

There's a lot to tell about this marriage and the 18 years we were together, but I'm just going to say, there were a lot of ups and downs.  I put up with a lot, and in the end, he had an affair, and after  hanging in there and hoping I could save the marriage, we eventually wound up divorced.  At the time, I was devastated.  It was a very difficult time of my life, the worst thing I've ever been through.  There is nothing more hurtful than a betrayal of your marriage.  I am a faithful person, I would have stood by him through anything, and I did, but I learned a lot from this experience.  I learned that sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, it doesn't mean you are meant to stay together.  This was hard for me to accept.  I made a commitment, I honored my marriage vows.  When I love someone, it's with all my  heart.  But, sometimes things just don't work out the way we plan or hope for.  Looking back, I see now that what happened, had to.  I did not have the strength to end this marriage on my own.  I thought love would conquer all.  It's unfortunate I had to go through so much hurt and anguish, but it's made me who I am today,  a much stronger woman.

The most important thing that came out of my marriage, are my two beautiful daughters.  I could never really regret anything I've been through considering the joy my children bring me.

I've learned a lot about myself  these past 6+ years.  I've learned what it means to depend only on myself, that was something I had already been dealing with during my marriage, so the adjustment wasn't as hard as it could have been.  I am not afraid to be alone, either physically or emotionally.  I'm proud of the job I've done raising my daughters.  They are wonderful girls.  I have taught them to be strong and independent, they are sweet and loving as well. 

There were days in the beginning of my seperation, where I felt I just wanted to curl up and die, my heart literally ached.  I worried I could not take care of my girls, but the natural instincts of motherhood prevailed.  I knew that if I was going to emotionally survive this, I had to take care of myself so I could properly take care of my children.  I have struggled with my weight for years, and when you find out your husband is being intimate with another woman, it does terrible things to your self-esteem.  Losing control of my life, I knew that the one thing I could control was my own body and mind.  For the first time in my life, at the age of 36, I walked into a gym.  My two closest friends bought me a gym membership for my birthday, and working out became a part of my life, it really saved me.  At first, I didn't eat because I was literally sick to my stomach most of the time.  I quickly started dropping weight.  Once  I started working out and learning how to be on my own, I started caring about what I was eating and I liked the feeling of getting stronger and building muscle.  In just over a year, I had dropped over 80 lbs.  I felt like a new person.  I still had a broken heart on the inside, but feeling good about  yourself does wonders for your psyche.  Getting compliments on a daily basis was very uplifting.  I joined an online hiking group and almost every other weekend went on hikes and met new people.  I was learning to live outside of my comfort zone, stepping outside "my box".  I started kick-boxing classes at my gym, and got pretty good at it.  It was a tremendous help in getting out the anger and frustration I was experiencing as a result of my failed marriage.  Divorce with children is a difficult thing, it sometimes takes years to work everything out.  I had a fight in me that I had never known before, and it helped me not only lose weight, but also build strength in all areas of my life.  I had to start working full-time, I had to make important decisions about my home and finances all on my own. 

There is a lot more to tell, both good and bad, but for now, I've said enough.  More to come next time...

"Of all things upon earth that bleed and grow,
A herb most bruised is woman."
Happy Thoughts,

1 comment:

  1. OMG. I loved your blog. Thank you for opening up. I know that this took alot of courage for you, but as you acknowledged, we all have made mistakes. But this is new year, so go for it.

    Make this year your best ever:)



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