“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” -unkown
Today I am blogging about something that I wish I wasn't. I decided to address something publicly that I am dealing with personally.
As I've mentioned before, I am a divorced mother of two beautiful daughters. My family and my home are the two most important things in the world to me, if you know me personally, you already know that.
I decided to keep our family home when my ex-husband and I separated, and bought him out of it by refinancing the mortgage.
I've talked about my house before, and how hard I've worked on it over the years, especially the last 7 that I've been living alone with my daughters.
The house was in bad shape, still needing major work done when he moved out. I pride myself in knowing how to make something out of nothing. I am a true DIY person. I have improved my house by my willingness to work hard and my passion for crafting, sewing, painting, and gardening, whatever it takes to make my home warm, comfortable, and welcoming. I live on a shoestring budget, but I was lucky enough several years ago to inherit some money from my grandfather, so that I was able to finish up most of the major rennovations and buy a few new pieces of furniture. I finally put in the picket fence that I had dreamed about for years. We don't have the latest technology, no large flat screen or surround sound, no fancy stereo equipment, laptops, cameras, or luxury cars. My yard was not professionally landscaped, I did most of the work myself, after I had the lawn put in, I planted everything else and finished the sprinklers on my own.
I am now being questioned about everything I have done. My ex-husband has decided he no longer wants to pay the spousal support he agreed to when we divorced. We were married over 16 years and we both made concessions when we came to our final settlement agreement. He had an affair, and chose to leave our marriage. I was devastated at the time, but over the years I have come to be comfortable with my new life and cherish it.
We are now back in court. It's a very unsettling thing to go through, not to mention an invasion of my privacy, filled with accusations that question everything I have worked so hard for and what I do that makes me happy in my life. I truly wish I did not need this money, but living on a single income, and paying for the needs of my daughters, especially with one in college, I do at this time. I have struggled financially since my oldest daughter turned 18 and I not longer receive child support for her.
He has been following me my on my blog, even printing some of my posts, submitting them as exhibits, so that he can somehow try to use it against me in court. I cannot begin to tell you how stressful and upsetting this has all been. He has taken something I love doing, my way of expressing who I am and what I love about life, and is now bringing it into a courtroom so he can try to show it in a negative light. It has caused me to question whether I should even continue writing a blog. I can't help but feel a little bit like I am being stalked.
I am not asking for sympathy, I have put myself out there, my blog is open for anyone to read, it certainly does not detail everything going on in my life, I have tried to focus mainly on the positive. I have struggles just like anyone else does, but my blog has been a place talk about what makes me happy and meet others with similar interests.
I don't have money for a lawyer, but my ex has one. I am going into court alone, hopefully with the strength I need. This week his lawyer is taking a deposition from me. I have never done anything like this before, so of course I am nervous and don't know what to expect. I feel like I am at a disadvantage by not having an attorney to represent me.
All the stress is taking a toll on me, I am not sleeping well, I've had to spend hours preparing paperwork and filing documents with the court. I work full-time so I've had to take my own personal necessity time off work to take care of everything.
I feel like I am forced to defend myself about how I live. My daughters are behind me 100%, they know first hand how hard I've worked and the sacrifices I've willingly made so that I could give them a good childhood filled happiness and fun. Without their love and support, I couldn't do this. I feel a deep sadness for my ex-husband, he has lost what it is to be a father. He refuses to speak with our girls, and I can't imagine the emptiness he must feel, not having them in his life. I worry about them and how this will affect their future relationships with men.
I will hold my head high in the next couple weeks, and remind myself that I cannot control the outcome. I can only speak from my heart, and that's what I intend to do.